he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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