she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
We need a shit load of segways right now
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
