I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
