she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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