haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
