I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
this hospital has no fireball
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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