Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
