This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
