She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
