Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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