when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
my liver is dry heaving
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
