i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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