can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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