I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
