Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
