toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
