ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
