I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
