Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
