This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
