She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I have post one night stand depression
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
