Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
