Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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