I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
