Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
