were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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