glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize