Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
