this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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