Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
We left the knife in your bed.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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