I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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