There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
