My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
