Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
His hands were made for my vagina.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
