Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize