everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My feet surprised me
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
