I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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