sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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