If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
how does that bad decision feel?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
