You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
