He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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