there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
