True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize