speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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