At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
