watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
