And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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