So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
