i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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