i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Why can't burritos get me drunk
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
