every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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