so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
