why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
