yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
