Apparently you make a good broom.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
