after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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