If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
