Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
