If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
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