He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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