she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
