Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
